Fullmetal Freebooter
by Taseisha
Summary: Pirate life is the way to go, even for a certain blond alchemist. No pairings, swearing, some suggestive content.
1. The Perdition

_Authors Note: What can I say, I had a momentary lapse into insanity. And Pirate!Ed is smecksy. You can even ask my friends._

_Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I don't even own the plot. Damn, this blows._

_Note: This plot, in whole, was made by Thesenis on gaiaonline. If you're reading this, Thesie, I told you you'd get credit! XD_

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Edward ran a hand through his tattered blonde locks, a sigh escaping his lips before placing his leather hat back to its rightful place; atop his head. The dock was in plain sight, as well as all its… rather unsavoury individuals. The blond sailed- no, he more of sunk into port, the remnants of his once large ship steadily going underwater. He stepped off of the thin pole that was gently extending out of the deep blue water and onto the dock, his black boots thudding ominously against the hard wood planking.

He slid past the dock owner who was in part shock at the state of the boat, casually pocketing the small leather bag of shillings for the buccaneer's own use. That's right, Ed was now a pirate, Captain, in fact.

A woman, hardly no more then twenty, pushed herself off of her seat nearby the edge of the dock and practically ran to catch up with her Captain.

"Good t' see ya again, Cap'n." She said, casting a glance over at the sunken ship. "Cannae I ask what 'appened to our ship?" She asked, crossing her arms as they walked towards the pub.

Ed shrugged. "I 'ad a little accident?" He said sheepishly. "We'll just 'ave to get another one."

"Another one!" She threw her hands up in the air, clearly exasperated. "It's no as easy as ya think." She sighed. "Hawkeye's gonna be pissed."

Speaking of their Master Gunner, Riza was currently sitting on a stool in front of the bar, filling herself with rum. More than a little drunk, she slammed her hand down on the wood of the table, her voice slurred.

"Gimme 'nother one." She mumbled. "Damn tho' crew members, leavin' me t' die 'ere." Riza said into her coat sleeve. "Bloody ass's."

The bartender shook his head almost sympathetically before the door slung open, Edward and the other girl walking casually into the bar. Riza answered this by slinging out her pistols and firing once at the top of the door frame. She wouldn't kill the Captain and the Navigator of their ship… yet.

Said navigator raised her hands hesitantly, frowning. "How many glasses o' rum 'ave you 'ad?" She asked the seemingly insane blonde.

Riza took another gulp of the amber drink. "That's none o' your business, Kenara." She mumbled. "'Nother one." She mumbled, and the bartender set around to getting her another glass.

Kenara huffed, grabbing a seat. "It's no' me fault." She grumbled. "It's 'is." She said, pointing accusingly at Edward, who was silently getting a seat for himself. Somehow, she failed to tell Riza how they were currently… well… shipless. If Riza found out while she was sloshed, she'd blow off someone's head, and Kenara'd be damned if it was hers.

Eventually, Riza slung her guns back to their proper spots (At her waist) and thumped her hand on the bar again. "Where's me drink?" She said, irritated.

The Quartermaster of the ship, a certain Roy Mustang, was standing behind the crapulous blonde, shaking his head. "I think you've had enough, Hawkeye." He said, crossing his arms as he went to pull up a seat. The other shot a glare at him, deciding to slump halfways onto the bar at that point.

Meanwhile, on a ship outside, a young lady leaned against the side rail, wanting to sigh but couldn't, forced to take slow, painful breaths because of the corset around her waist. All Rose wanted right then was a pair of pants and to go drown this damned corset in the ocean. She stood up straight and left the boat, instead deciding to go for a walk down the cobbled streets.

Riza stood up, slightly swaying, obviously angry. "Ya did WHAT with th' ship?" She pressed, glaring down at Edward, hands twitching by her guns. During their conversation, the gunner had asked how the ship was, and if they had gotten any new cannons, and their Captain has replied with that they didn't have a ship anymore. "I can't believe ya-hic-did tha'!" She yelled, pausing to hiccup. Kenara stifled a smirk behind her hand, ordering a water.

Roy was a little more than disappointed with the young captain as well, tapping his foot against the side of the bar.

"We'll jus' get a new one-"

"WHERE IN –hic- BLOODY HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET ANOTHER SHIP!" Riza yelled. Kenara, sick of all this, motioned for the others who weren't a part of this little, discussion, to stand up. "Well, ya three cannae stay 'ere, I'm off tae get a ship." She said, huffing as she led the small crew out the door, leaving the other three in the pub.

They bypassed Rose as she slowly stepped into the pub, aware she had most everyone's eyes on her. After all, it wasn't often that a lady like herself stepped into a pub like this one, especially when it was full of pirates. Riza, ever so drunk, took one look at her and stood up, crossed the distance in a few long strides, and grabbed Rose's arm.

"Why don't ya come an' sit wi' us?" She asked, leading her over to the trio, seating her on Kenara's discarded chair. Ed leaned toward the girl. "What's your name, lass?" He asked, grinning slyly.

Mustang rolled his eyes, knowing that look. It was the kind of look Ed got whenever he knew he was near treasure or he had a pretty girl nearby. Good God knew what he was thinking then.

Rose leaned backwards a bit. "It's really none of your business, Pirate." She said, coldly. Riza took a sip of the water Kenara had ordered for her, watching out of the corner of her eye as Ed's hand slowly crept up the young lady's leg. She sighed, shaking her head. Really, the idiocy of some men astounded her.

Rose suddenly went rose colored and slapped Ed smartly with her right hand, sending him reeling as well as him pulling his hand off her leg to touch his offended cheek with it. He was speechless, overly surprised that a lady as her could muster such a sharp slap. He's only really been slapped in Tortuga before, from the women there he had… 'meetings' with.

Mustang snickered into his glass as the crew, led by Kenara shoved their way back into the pub. "We need tae go, now." She said, her Scottish accent pushing through.

"So we have a ship?" Roy asked, standing up.

"Tha' we do." Kenara said brightly, and the trio shoved their way to their feet, dragging Rose up with them. "You're comin' too." Riza said roughly to the surprised girl.

Kenara led the small crew to the secondary docks, and stood in front of a massive ship, putting her hands on her hips. "This's th' _Perdition_. Ain't she a beaut?" She asked smugly. The crew nodded appreciatively. The whole of the _Perdition_ was crafted of mahogany and redwoods, making it float easily and cut through the water with ease.

"Then again, it's attracted a lot of attention." The Quartermaster muttered, glancing behind them to the crowd of military that were slowly making their way to them.

Edward, finally over the shock of Rose's slap, took the lead. "Awright, everyone, get t' the ship! Let's get movin' ya sea-dogs!" He commanded, sending everyone to the ropes.

----

They had made their way out of the bay easily, and Kenara had decided on where they were headed next. She had called out to the milling crew that they were headed to the plentiful shores of Tortuga.

After a half hour of setting up the rigging on the ship, they had made their way downstairs for some supper. Their cook, Mina, had made a fish stew for the crew, already set up in the kitchen. They had employed her a couple of stops ago, her serving not only as the cook, but also as the confidant of a lot of people.

"To Tortuga." Rose muttered, already feeling a sharp sense of homesickness. Kenara and Riza, noticing the corset she was wearing, had supplied her with a simple pair of pants and a shirt, along with a bandana and a good pair of boots. She sure did look the part of a pirate, but the real question was, could she play a pirate when they reached Tortuga?

Alphonse, standing at the nose of the ship was soon engaged in a conversation with said lady, chatting about things from life on land to life on sea.

Riza stepped up beside Roy, leaning against the iron railing that surrounded the ship. Mustang tossed a glance at him companion and smiled. "I heard the ship has new guns." He remarked, and Riza smirked. "Tha' they do. I 'ave to thank Kenara when I get th' chance." She said, changing the topic not soon after. "So, we're off t' Tortuga. Afraid of meeting up with any ol' lady friends?" She asked, nudging Mustangs ribs.

Roy chuckled. "Why should I be? I left them on very good terms." He said. "However, the Cap'n…"

They continued on with their conversation, smirking and laughing every once in a while. The crew, small as it was, was more like a family to each of the members, and they were widely known, not for their size, nor for being allegedly blood-thirsty, but for their brains. They were a witty crew, having only the bare necessities. And it really paid off.

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_A/N: w00t! There's the first chapter! I want reviews, people. REVIEWS! I eat them…_


	2. Tortuga

Authors Note: What can I say, I had a momentary lapse into insanity. And Pirate!Ed is smecksy. You can even ask my friends.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I don't even own the plot. Damn, this blows.

Note: This plot, in whole, was made by Thesenis on gaiaonline. If you're reading this, Thesie, I told you you'd get credit! XD

-

Tortuga. Homeland of Pirates and lawbreakers, land of liquor, city of… well, you know.

The Perdition sailed into port right on time, Edward and Roy leading the group off the ship. Alphonse elected to stay behind and make sure nothing happened to the ship, and Kenara was stuck with babysitting their captive, Rose. She sighed. That girl was never going to get the hang of pretending to be a pirate.

They split up into two groups, Kenara, Edward, and Rose heading towards the inn, while Roy took Riza and Mina with him to the bar. Everyone else had either stayed on ship, or just… dissipated when they reached land. It was common for their crew to do that.

Anyways, with Edward and the other two girls, they had just met up with a group of women. Naturally, Edward claimed he knew them, and walked straight into their midst.

"Step back." Kenara said to Rose, who did so, hesitantly, watching Edward.

"Holly!" He said, extending his arms towards the red-haired lass.

SMACK!

He was sent reeling with the force of the slap. He turned around, touching his cheek tenderly.

"Giselle." He remarked, leaning in for a kiss. "It's been a-"

"Who is she?"

"Wha'?"

SMACK!

"Melinda…"

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

As the women trooped away, Kenara and Rose walked back towards the red-faced Captain, their arms crossed. "Well, well, well."

"I didn't deserve tha'." He muttered.

"Of course you didn't." Kenara said sarcastically. "You never seem to."

Edward realised he wasn't going to get a sympathetic hand from her, so he turned back to Rose.

"Rose, lass, d' you believe m'?" He asked.

SMACK!

"You pig."

"Tha' would be a no." Kenara advised, smiling. "I say we get goin' tae tha inn." She advised, seeing another flock of girls nearby.

-

However, the situation was different with Roy's group. As they entered the noisy bar that was filled with drunk old fat men and their just-as-drunk- wives, Roy separated himself from the pair and headed to a group of girls. He tipped his hat to them and sat down, buying them a round of drinks.

Riza took a seat at the bar, thunking her hand on the table. "Rum!" She yelled over the din of yelling, screaming, and fighting.

Mina sat herself down as well. "Does he do this often?"

"Wha'? flirt wi' the girls, drink, and ditch 'is crewmates?" She nodded. "Yeah."

Mina asked for a water when the barkeeper came back with Riza's rum and sighed. "Where do you think we're going after Tortuga?"

"Dunno." She said with a shrug. "You'd 'ave t' ask Kenara. She's in charge of tha'."

"Wouldn't the Captain be?"

"Nope." Riza shook her head. "Kenara is. She's the navigator, so she chooses where we go."

"What about Alphonse?"

Riza thought about the young boy for a breif moment. "Our Surgeon. 'E's more like the groups consultant tho'." She said with a nod.

Mina nodded and turned back to her water. "When are we going to meet up with the others?"

"In a while." Riza said, gulping down her rum.

-

Eventually, after many more drinks and slaps, they met up in their room at the inn, either sprawled out over a bed or chair, or leaning against the wall, casually. Riza had left a little while ago to check on the ship, leaving the group together.

And in exactly ten minutes, Riza returned, red-faced and out of breath. "She's gone."

It took a total of one minute and thirty-four seconds for it to register.

"WHAT?" Kenara yelled.

"Th' military took 'er back." Riza mumbled.

"Well then, we'll 'ave t' go get 'er back!"

"It isn't that simple." Roy pointed out coolly. "We have a total of six people with us. We are currently on a wanted list. There is silver on our heads."

"But…" Rose crossed her arms, thinking. "Maybe we could disguise ourselves."

Ed shook his head. "No' well enough t' get th' ship back."

Mina bit her lip. "Aren't they looking for four girls and two men?" She asked, looking over at the other three girls who nodded.

"Two lass's an' four men?" Kenara said with a smirk. Four pairs of eyes turned to the two men, who were slowly backing out of the room.

"Hey, Cap'n? 'Ave ya ever worn a corset?" Riza grinned.

"Uh…" Edward looked around frantically. "Is thar a righ' answer t' this?" He asked.

"We'll need to get Roy a wig…" Rose said thoughtfully.

"I'm not dressing up like a girl!" Roy argued.

"Get them cleaned up too." Mina pointed out.

Kenara nodded. "An' git them some dresses."

"I'M NO' DRESSIN' LIKE A LASS!" The Captain yelled.

The girls scowled at him.

"Indoor voices." Rose scolded, frowning.

Kenara stood up, brushing imaginary dirt off of her black trousers, and stretched. "I'm goin' tae th' store."

-

"What store?" Rose asked as they walked down the streets of Tortuga, dodging drunkards along the way.

"Th' Clothier."

Rose arched an eyebrow stiffly at Kenara. "We're really going to get them dresses? They won't agree."

"Piracy is a democracy, lass." Kenara said, opening the door for Rose. "If he doesn't go after th' _Perdition_, he could lose favour wi' the crew. An' tha' could lead tae Mutiny." She pointed out. "Th' Cap'n wouldn't want tha'."

"I see." Rose said quietly. "They still aren't going to be happy."

"I know." Kenara said smugly.

-

A/N: Well, there's my second chapter. It's not as good as I hoped it would be, but it's not particularily horrible. -- But I still want reviews. Taseisha's good and full, so she just want's to read them.

Come on now, click that smecksy button!


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